peace...where are you?

Hello bloggers.

For so long I was in this season of life that I didn't feel like anything was happening, I felt my growth was at a stand still, as if I had reached a point of spiritual complacency...
Now a days, that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
I feel like I have been wrestling with God for days...
What is it that you want from me?
at one point I feel like you are saying one thing to me, then the next day, I feel completely different.
Maybe that is the problem...I am feeling too much.
Someone once taught me that emotions should be the response to decisions we make, not the entire reason that we make the decision in the first place...
Why have I allowed myself to forget that lesson for so long.
I am very confused, but at the same time excited, and humbled that God would be putting so much into molding and shaping someone like me.
No matter what I do, He'll never leave me.
I have decided I AM DONE. Done feeling so let down over what other people have done to cause me pain...bottom line is that we all have our different areas of struggle, and just because one person might not completely understand the other, doesn't mean the one is right and one is wrong. So, I am done worrying so much about the actions of those who affect me, instead I am going to worry about my actions, and how they affect myself and others. Instead of working from the outside in (which is what seems natural to me), I am going to start working from the inside out...

In other news...
I got tickets to the P. Diddy Superbowl party that will be held in Detroit on Friday night. Legitimately it is hosted by P. Diddy himself ... can you believe it? A special thanks to Brad for getting the tickets...and an even bigger thanks to Emily for being my beautiful, and amazing best friend.
Also, Saturday night, possibly the Maxim party, to watch my girl strut her stuff...
It's so crazy, how did Emily and I get invited to all this stuff...
anyways, that's exciting to me, pretty much a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I am always up for an adventure.

Also, pray for Brandon Hess' family...this is a really hard time for them, and I am sure that we can all relate somehow.

On a final note...the past couple days I have been confronted by all the hurt that is going on around me. So many people are experiencing things that I could never even imagine, so I pray that we could all humble ourselves, and not forget that no matter how bad we think we have it, someone esle may have it worse...and always be reminded of the truth that God will never give us more than we can handle. I know I need to hear that daily, so I hope that it is a blessing to you also.

Good night everyone. I love you.

(p.s. for some reason the time isn't right on what is says the post time was so the actual time right now is 1:45am! )

I spun a web, and I'm caught in the middle...

Oh Coldplay, how I love you so...
such the soundtrack to my life.
I feel like in the past year and a half, every season of my life can and has been matched up with a song, or simply a lyric from Coldplay.
I've spun a web and i'm caught in the middle right now. I never mean to, or meant to cause anyone trouble. Oddly enough, the person I cause the most trouble is myself.

How can I know that the decisions I've made are right?
I can't know.
I need to remember that God will be with me wherever I go.
My hearts desire is to be pleasing to God. I just long to be obedient.
I'm sorry blog world, I don't have a lot for you today, besides that I am struggling.
When will I be confident in myself, and the decisions I make?

Sometimes, I really get discouraged by the walk we are on as Christians. I think to myself how I didn't have a care in the world when I was living for me, and not for Christ. At times I think, oh how nice it would be to go the MSU, and hang out with my best friends, party, dance, stay out late...instead, I am struggling through huge life decisions, working my butt off to go back to the armpit of Indiana, and go to a small school with a lot of rules that I don't even agree with.
Then I remember...
I live for relationships...that's what makes me tick. Starting new relationships, fighting for broken ones, and everything in between are the things I thrive most upon. So, God has blessed me with some of the most amazing relationships in the past couple years, as I've really committed everything to Him. Brian, and everyone at REAL, my small group girls (a bigger blessing to me than they'll ever know), the interns, IWU friends, Virginia, Rach, Jord, Julie, my young adult small group, the pastors at SLWC, the profs at IWU, specifically Mazellan, Bekah, and Chris. All of these relationships have shaped me and molded me. Some will last a lifetime, and others will be short lived, BUT they are all so significant in making me who I am.

As I struggle, and question things, God always reminds me of the treasure that He is. Nothing compares to Him. The most important relationship I have acquired has been my relationship with Christ. This relationship is the most important in my life, and I will do anything necessary to protect it. I will fight for this relationship with all that I am.

Sometimes when I've spun a web and I'm caught in the middle...I realize that once i'm caught all I can do is surrender to whatever it is that is bigger than me, and realize that God is trying to teach me something, and it is only by His way that I will ever find my way out

Maybe "trouble" is good.

goodnight, and I love you.

Sundays...

I love Sundays.
I feel that the best fruit is produced on Sundays.
Whether I am having fun after church going out to lunch with all my friends, or I am sitting at my house alone, just contemplating the sovereignty of God...Sundays are a time that I feel I really meet one on one with Jesus.
Today is a quiet day.
I find myself enjoying the silent times more than the noise lately. I feel in these silent times, I am finally grasping the clarity I've been seeking for so long.
How do I live in a way that my every breath can be a living sacrifice to my God?
Yesterday I made a huge sacrifice in my personal life. I really felt it was something God layed on my heart with a purpose. Now, 24 hours after a huge decision was set in stone, my heart aches...All I can do is pray and say, "God, I am yours."
Sacrifice is necessary. I need God to know that I am His. Or maybe, since God already knows everything, I needed to do something to say to myself, "I am Gods."
Today, in the quiet, I find myself wrestling. So many things are stirring inside of me, and yet I have peace.

Here my prayer oh Lord...
Sometimes you ask us to do things that we feel are the most painful thing we could do. I don't understand all the time. But my ignorance is bliss in this situation...For I give the things that I love most over to you, because although I love to take care of my the most precious things in my life, I have to trust God that you will take even better care of them.

Just know if sacrifice were easy, it wouldn't be called a sacrifice.

My blog has definitely reached a more vulnerable point that I ever intended it to...but I pray that my struggles and growing pains minister to all of you that read this.
I love you more than you'll ever know.

"All or Nothing..."

I've realized that I am a really extreme person. (Yes. I know this isn't a news flash to any of you.)
I believe that God gave me this personality. I also believe that my extreme personality can be a huge strength if used in the correct way.
I want to be extreme in my relationship with Christ.

If I am willing to take risks, and "go big or go home," in my personal relationships with others...then I should be MORE than willing to live with that same attitude in my relationship with Christ.
What is spiritual maturity? and do we ever reach a point when we can say we are "spiritually mature"? I think spiritual maturity is about taking small steps that will make big impacts. Obedience is KEY.
If I can strive for obedience in the small things, I think the results will be big.
Why is it so difficult for me to bring myself to make sacrifices? If I can't sacrifice things in my life that are so eternally empty, then how can I call myself a follower of Jesus Christ?
Our savior made the ultimate sacrifice and yet when I am in a "desert like" season of life, and push comes to shove, when God is calling me to make sacrifices...WHY ever time do I get trigger shy?
If I question being extreme in my relationship with Christ, then I should question if I have a substancial relationship with Christ at all.
Sacrifice equals obedience, which equals a deepening in the richness of my relationship with our Lord and Savior.

Mumbler...I can't understand a word you're saying!

(I am currently being seranaded by dancing dolls singing Willy Wonka, now they are lighting on fire...I love Johnny Depp, how does he do it?)

I said earlier that I thought today would be a good day...well, I was right, the result of today was good, but it was a tough road to get there.
I think I am learning a life changing lesson today. One that could change my relationship with God and others from here on out.
but for now, I will watch Willy Wonka...and say good night to all.
Thank you to those whom support me daily; God reveals himself to me though all of you continually, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your obedience.
I love you, and good night.

Good Morning Beautiful!

it has occured to me that I have had a blog for two days now, and i would like to announce that I am a failure at blogging.
I just don't know how to do it.
My hopes and dreams for this blog were to get the crazy thoughts in my head down in black and white to share with the 5 people that actually care about the crazy thoughts in my head! :)
but...I am having a hard time communicating that to a computer screen...thus, I need time... so please don't give up on me yet...i know there is something good in store.
(I do acknowledge that only 3 peopel know that i have a blog, so for you 3 faithful readers...please be patient.)

I am in Lansing right now, visiting my best friend Emalina Joy, and the only reason I am awake right now is because of the allergic reaction I am having to her cat...but i saw it as a good opportunity to attempt blog #2.

today feels like it's going to be a good day. I don't know why, I just have a feeling...so no more typing..a lot more living...but to anyone that does read this, know that I love you, and Jesus loves you and that should give you enough fuel to run forever.
So with that said...have a great day!

Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging...

Hello World!
I am officially a blogger now.
This is a band wagon I've resisted for quite some time, but slowly over time, I was broken down little by little, and now here I am on this beautiful dismal day of January 24th, 2006 starting my own blog.
open it up and look inside. Big things come in small packages!