Dependability and Consistency are key factors in any relationship.

the title of this blog reflects the thought that has been stiring within me in the last 24 hours.
This all started because a few of the people that are closest to me have been very undependable and inconsistent lately. People that I once relied on as my most intimate confidants have been either neglecting me, or are very hot and cold in our relationship as of late...
all of this has lead me to see how important dependability and consistency are in any relationship. Now these friends of mine are amazing people and have provided me with much support and joy in my life, but when they seem to let me down, or abandon me I feel like all the positive character attributes about them disappear and I am left feeling very disappointed in them because all I can see is their lack of care and consideration of my feelings.
This frustrates me.
After acknowledging these things, I came to another conclusion...no matter how hard you try you cannot change someone, they have to want to change themselves and then allow God to come in and move within them. All I can worry about in these specific situations is myself and my own actions, that really is all that I have a say in. SO, after the strong feelings of frustration and disappointment I came to realize that it's not fair to judge them and expect them to change...instead of asking why can't they be more dependable and consistent...i need to ask myself, how can I be more dependable and consistent? It goes back to the good ol' golden rule of treat others the way you want to be treated, or as Dennis Jackson would call it, "leading up." If I want these friends of mine to start being more dependable and consistent I have to start modeling that myself. I realized that I don't always call back when I say I will, and often times I break plans that I make just because of selfish reasons, so who am I to start getting angry and judging them, when I know that I could really work on my dependability and consistency.
This is humbling.
For it's not what others can do for me, but what I can do for others.
SO, with that said, I am going to start to work on my dependablility and consistency. I will say that this lesson has been hugely impacting, because it has raised my standards for any future friendship or relationship that I will be a part of. I NEED these two things; I need to know that I can count on someone.
All in all I'm excited. I think that it is really pleasing to God when things click with in us and we start to see that we are worth more than we thought before, and that those around us also deserve more.
Final thought: this entire lesson has made me fall in love with God even more. No matter how much I am let down by my friends, God never lets me down. God has demonstrated what it really means to be dependable and consistent. So, at the end of the day I take refuge in the fact that God is the one thing that I can depend upon, and I can trust to consistently love me, and be there for me whenever I call upon Him. (how did we ever get a God like this, I am humbled because He continually gives me more than I could ever dream of.)

Comments are affirming.

just to let you know. when people comment...it is really affirming, and it definately encourages me to continue blogging.
just thought the world should know this.
more to come later...
thanks friends.

What do I feel like writing today?

hmmm.
I am out of "blog mode." I feel bad, I have neglected the blogging world...sorry, I actually stepped back into reality, with real people for a change...:)
with that said...I hope blogging is like riding a bike and you can pick it right back up...
My day was spent full of tasks...
working out...really hard because i know the rest of the week will be really busy.
hours working on my budget for the next 14 weeks...hoping that I can get back to IWU for the summer.
I am really proud of my budget...I am starting a whole new season of life, and I am actually saving my recites, I bought a binder from Staples to keep all of my financial records, so I am really encouraged about that.
I also emailed and made some calls about loans, and jobs next year at IWU.
Tasks all day...
I share all of those for a purpose. In all the small tasks I did today, God's presence was so evident. I really felt that my actions were an act of worship to God for all he has blessed me with. Since Saturday when I found out that I didn't get the RA Job for next year at IWU, I was confused...going back and forth wondering if IWU is the right place for me...after a lot of prayer and consideration, I have decided that I am not giving up! Just because I didn't get the job I though I would, and just because I don't see how this is all going to work out, it doesn't mean that I should give up. I have decided to continue to press on, with more determination than ever. God is with me, and I am confident that my heart is in the right place, and that I am acting in obedience, so with that said I will persevere, and if at the end of all of this I don't end up at IWU, atleast I learned a huge lesson in faith, perseverance and trust---and to me, character building and spiritual formation are gifts that hold more eternal value than most other things.
I trust in God. I trust that He has a plan. So over the next 14 weeks specifically, but hopefully these patterns will stay with me...I will embark on an exciting journey. I am going to be stretched financial, I am going to have to work hard at discipline and responsibility...but most of all, I am going to spend so much time in prayer.
Not just the small, every day prayers (even tho they are significant and important) I am going to step out on a limb and ask God for the BIG REQUESTS! I mean the things that you think are absolutely IMPOSSIBLE, I am going to pray for. I am so excited, and find myself with much anticipation. So often we doubt our Lord. We have requests that we think will never be answered, because they are so huge, and so far out; so we don't ask. Have we forgotten who our God is? Have we forgotten the many miracles he has performed? how did we come to a point in our life as christians where we doubt the ALMIGHTY POWER of our God?
well. I am not anymore! I am done doubting that God can do ANYTHING. The impossible is possible when you have Him as your Lord and Savior. So, my journey begins, and I just want to encourage all of you to take a leap of faith and step out on a limb with me. You can never be too sure of what God has up His sleeve for you, so the question is, are you faithful and trusting enough to dive in and find out??

good night. and even if I don't get to tell you all the time, I LOVE YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Lean on me.

In this season of life, I have been going through some personally, and emotionally difficult situations. There is a really important relationship in my life that has been facing a lot of tests and trials lately to see what it is that God wants to come from that relationship. Without giving away too much for the world of bloggers to see, because I do respect this person very much, I have to say that this season has been very stretching, and I have had to make a lot of sacrifices, and changes.
Although this relationship isn't the only area that I am being stretched in, I strongly believe that God uses those closest to us to help in His work of molding us and breaking us down, also encouraging us and building us up, etc. God knows how much we thrive from relationships, therefore that is the area that he really reaches out and tries to minister to us through situations and people. Maybe this is just me, but it is my hope that some of you can resonate with that concept.
With that said, being the emotional and vulnerable person that I am, many of the people I interact with on a regular basis see that I am going through some really stretching experiences, and I have to say that I have the most amazing support system of people that love me...I am so blessed.
Whether it's one of my best friends from high school (Emmy, Moo Moo, and Kritty) or my dear significant other Julie, or my bible study group, my BEAUTIFUL roomy Rach, my loyal sister, my best friend and mom, my stable dad, slwc, brian, nate, douglas, Zach (my long lost twin), eric, virginia, etc.... All of these people have been there for me...to lean on when i struggle.
sometimes it's a huge life issue, and other times it's deciding whether or not i am going to the maxim party VIP (yea, i still am questioning that decision)...but the point is...this group of people put themselves aside for me on a regular basis, and continually speak truth in my life.
So often in my journals, or my prayers I am thanking God continually for the people he has provided in my life, and it wasn't until today that it occured to me that I should share my praise with the world (or the hand full of you that read this, but let me dream big, ok?!?).
The event that took place today that made me want to share my thankfulness with everyone was something that one of my high school small group girls did. Now my small group is pretty much the best group SLWC has ever seen (i am a bit bias), but seriously, they are amazing, beautiful blessings in my life. Honestly, these girls think that I am investing in them, and giving my time...no, i think they have it backwards...they impact me so much more than I could ever impact them. They are the most caring, fun loving, considerate group of young women I have ever met; i am inspired by them, and so impressed because they are stronger than I ever was at their age.
Today, one of my girls sent me an email. We communicate often through email, but normally just general or misc. information. Today, the email said that she had been thinking of me, knowing that today was kinda rough for me, and the rest of the email was filled with X's and O's of all different sizes...giving me hugs and KISSES to tell me that she cared. Now this girl probably did it without even thinking because that is her nature, but I have to say this so that she knows, THAT EMAIL IMPACTED ME IN SUCH A DEEP WAY. It brought me to tears, and made everything else seem so irrelevant. Every time I've felt discouraged about ministry has just vanished...that email was more than enough to fill me up for a very long time.
Thank you to this very special individual. Just know that the small things that you do can change someone's life, as you did mine today.
I love you so much, all of you, and just want to encourage you to be thankful for the precious people God has provided you with, for He has a purpose for everything.

Good night. and thanks for listening.

I am a Starbucks employee.

pretty much...my life has reached it's pinacle.
I got a job at Starbucks Coffee.
I could die a happy woman now.

No, but seriously...I am so excited about my job at Starbucks. I will still continue to work at the holiday inn...this will just give me extra money to go into the "IWU FUND" that is SLOWLY growing...but at least it's growing.

I am so thankful to God for this job. This is definately something that I prayed about over and over. I also want to say thank you to all the wonderful people that were also praying for this job...I really needed this, and God just came through and provided. Why do we ever question that He wont take care of us?

Other than the Starbucks job...not a lot is going on.
I have been in a surprisingly good mood the 2 days...I feel uplifted, even though there is a lot of turmoil going on in my personal life, I still feel more than I have in a long time tht God is carrying me through these times of struggle.

For tonight...nothing inspiring to say, besides that I love you...I hope everyone is having a good week, and I pray that God is revealing to you how to find joy in the small things in life, because I am really beginning to understand what that means.

Good night, and God bless.

peace...where are you?

Hello bloggers.

For so long I was in this season of life that I didn't feel like anything was happening, I felt my growth was at a stand still, as if I had reached a point of spiritual complacency...
Now a days, that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
I feel like I have been wrestling with God for days...
What is it that you want from me?
at one point I feel like you are saying one thing to me, then the next day, I feel completely different.
Maybe that is the problem...I am feeling too much.
Someone once taught me that emotions should be the response to decisions we make, not the entire reason that we make the decision in the first place...
Why have I allowed myself to forget that lesson for so long.
I am very confused, but at the same time excited, and humbled that God would be putting so much into molding and shaping someone like me.
No matter what I do, He'll never leave me.
I have decided I AM DONE. Done feeling so let down over what other people have done to cause me pain...bottom line is that we all have our different areas of struggle, and just because one person might not completely understand the other, doesn't mean the one is right and one is wrong. So, I am done worrying so much about the actions of those who affect me, instead I am going to worry about my actions, and how they affect myself and others. Instead of working from the outside in (which is what seems natural to me), I am going to start working from the inside out...

In other news...
I got tickets to the P. Diddy Superbowl party that will be held in Detroit on Friday night. Legitimately it is hosted by P. Diddy himself ... can you believe it? A special thanks to Brad for getting the tickets...and an even bigger thanks to Emily for being my beautiful, and amazing best friend.
Also, Saturday night, possibly the Maxim party, to watch my girl strut her stuff...
It's so crazy, how did Emily and I get invited to all this stuff...
anyways, that's exciting to me, pretty much a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I am always up for an adventure.

Also, pray for Brandon Hess' family...this is a really hard time for them, and I am sure that we can all relate somehow.

On a final note...the past couple days I have been confronted by all the hurt that is going on around me. So many people are experiencing things that I could never even imagine, so I pray that we could all humble ourselves, and not forget that no matter how bad we think we have it, someone esle may have it worse...and always be reminded of the truth that God will never give us more than we can handle. I know I need to hear that daily, so I hope that it is a blessing to you also.

Good night everyone. I love you.

(p.s. for some reason the time isn't right on what is says the post time was so the actual time right now is 1:45am! )

I spun a web, and I'm caught in the middle...

Oh Coldplay, how I love you so...
such the soundtrack to my life.
I feel like in the past year and a half, every season of my life can and has been matched up with a song, or simply a lyric from Coldplay.
I've spun a web and i'm caught in the middle right now. I never mean to, or meant to cause anyone trouble. Oddly enough, the person I cause the most trouble is myself.

How can I know that the decisions I've made are right?
I can't know.
I need to remember that God will be with me wherever I go.
My hearts desire is to be pleasing to God. I just long to be obedient.
I'm sorry blog world, I don't have a lot for you today, besides that I am struggling.
When will I be confident in myself, and the decisions I make?

Sometimes, I really get discouraged by the walk we are on as Christians. I think to myself how I didn't have a care in the world when I was living for me, and not for Christ. At times I think, oh how nice it would be to go the MSU, and hang out with my best friends, party, dance, stay out late...instead, I am struggling through huge life decisions, working my butt off to go back to the armpit of Indiana, and go to a small school with a lot of rules that I don't even agree with.
Then I remember...
I live for relationships...that's what makes me tick. Starting new relationships, fighting for broken ones, and everything in between are the things I thrive most upon. So, God has blessed me with some of the most amazing relationships in the past couple years, as I've really committed everything to Him. Brian, and everyone at REAL, my small group girls (a bigger blessing to me than they'll ever know), the interns, IWU friends, Virginia, Rach, Jord, Julie, my young adult small group, the pastors at SLWC, the profs at IWU, specifically Mazellan, Bekah, and Chris. All of these relationships have shaped me and molded me. Some will last a lifetime, and others will be short lived, BUT they are all so significant in making me who I am.

As I struggle, and question things, God always reminds me of the treasure that He is. Nothing compares to Him. The most important relationship I have acquired has been my relationship with Christ. This relationship is the most important in my life, and I will do anything necessary to protect it. I will fight for this relationship with all that I am.

Sometimes when I've spun a web and I'm caught in the middle...I realize that once i'm caught all I can do is surrender to whatever it is that is bigger than me, and realize that God is trying to teach me something, and it is only by His way that I will ever find my way out

Maybe "trouble" is good.

goodnight, and I love you.

Sundays...

I love Sundays.
I feel that the best fruit is produced on Sundays.
Whether I am having fun after church going out to lunch with all my friends, or I am sitting at my house alone, just contemplating the sovereignty of God...Sundays are a time that I feel I really meet one on one with Jesus.
Today is a quiet day.
I find myself enjoying the silent times more than the noise lately. I feel in these silent times, I am finally grasping the clarity I've been seeking for so long.
How do I live in a way that my every breath can be a living sacrifice to my God?
Yesterday I made a huge sacrifice in my personal life. I really felt it was something God layed on my heart with a purpose. Now, 24 hours after a huge decision was set in stone, my heart aches...All I can do is pray and say, "God, I am yours."
Sacrifice is necessary. I need God to know that I am His. Or maybe, since God already knows everything, I needed to do something to say to myself, "I am Gods."
Today, in the quiet, I find myself wrestling. So many things are stirring inside of me, and yet I have peace.

Here my prayer oh Lord...
Sometimes you ask us to do things that we feel are the most painful thing we could do. I don't understand all the time. But my ignorance is bliss in this situation...For I give the things that I love most over to you, because although I love to take care of my the most precious things in my life, I have to trust God that you will take even better care of them.

Just know if sacrifice were easy, it wouldn't be called a sacrifice.

My blog has definitely reached a more vulnerable point that I ever intended it to...but I pray that my struggles and growing pains minister to all of you that read this.
I love you more than you'll ever know.